Who Moved My Cheese?

I am confused whether I should congratulate myself tonight or not. I had the opportunity to confront my stressor tonight but I chose not to. I held back and decided not to respond.

I chose not to respond because in the end I didn't want to sound like a boy crying over spilled milk or longing for attention. I wanted to face it maturely and just preserve whatever good that we have and not ruin it. To me it sounds fair. For as long as it's clear in my head whatever the status of what we have now, then I should be fine. I should learn to move on and just look at this whole experience as a lesson learned.

But at the back of my head I am thinking that if I wanted to be man enough, I should have confronted this person and made this person know how I felt. That's the only way that we could ever judge and find out what we're made of. I was thinking that the only way something can be resolved is when two mature people talk it out. That's something in an ideal world. You ask so you will receive.

But I had so many thoughts in my head. I already had answers even before I ask them. It's strange that by way of preserving ourselves we never bother to hurt ourself when we know that experience is only going to make us tougher and wiser. And that the only way to find out about things is if I become inquisitive.

For now, what's holding me back is probably just this: pride. In my head, as I practice with full acting prowess, a contravida is only good if he had the last say. If the bida takes the last words and there's no way the contravida can make that kontra, that's it for him. Maybe that. Maybe in this next level, I am ready to be the one to have the final say.

That, or maybe I will change my mind the second that this person tells me something I am not prepared for. If that happens and I change my mind, I know that I'm just another John Lloyd Cruz waiting for another cheesy moment to crush my world.

It's so frustrating when the heart is just stronger than the mind.

But until I fully face whatever it is, I need to be consistent. I need to constantly remind myself that there are somethings which you will never or SHOULD ever compromise - and that's your personal identity.

In the meantime, Odette Quesada continues to sing EVEN IF in my I-Tunes.

Even if you mean the whole damn world to me, I can forget you wait and see... I can be strong, even without you. I can't waste my whole life hoping you'd come back to me but deep inside I know I will be waiting here for you... (this is where truckloads of cheese will be dumped).

Go On And Take A Bow

Warning: I might risk offending some of you but this message is not intended for you. This is just a general sentiment I thought of five minutes ago. So allow me to just say this.

I am not big fan of literary novels, nor a big reader. I never claimed I had read some of the best books ever published nor written by world-class writers, authors or critically-acclaimed novelists. I just happen to be not inclined to reading, that's all. My mind flies off to dream land as I imagine the first few lines of any book I attempt to read. That's why I always say comic books are the best for me. 

One night someone told me that his taste is quite eclectic when it comes to reading. Eclectic? You mean you're quite choosy with the books you pick and read? Wow. Before that this same person also told me how much he abhorred TWILIGHT. For him, it was a literary crap and drivel that shouldn't deserve any attention. 

Okay, so far the two claims only point to books which are literary masterpieces. But then eclectic, so in my mind..."Boy he is probably reading books that I have never even heard of." I scanned through all the possible titles in my head. I gave my brother's books a quick visual scan of what could be deemed as eclectic as I try to be smart and pa-know. My brother probably owns a thousand and so books here at home. Some of them expensive, some of them very expensive, and the others I just have never heard of. His taste is quite definitive. He reads certain kinds of books and orders it from all around the world even before it becomes a hit or something. Good taste in books, I should say.

So I curtly asked, "So what are these books that you read? I hope I know something from your list (at the risk of sounding ignorant)..."

"Harry Potter. Lord of the Rings. I also liked Da Vinci Code stuff written by Dan Brown."

I nearly fell of my chair. How can books like such be eclectic when it is sooooooo mainstream??? I wanted to just go away and leave. It's such a pretentious comment. The thing is, we work for advertising. Didn't you think we would already know by now how to read pyshcographic and poseurs?

Come on! I'm not a big book reader and I would know that these books are nicely written but come on, couldn't you try better? These are mainstream books reviewed a thousand times but others. Dan Brown his several accusations for plagiarizing doesn't make up for a credible writer now, does it?

I am not here to argue which is a good book or not. I am just surprised at brandishing yourself as eclectic and selecting teen hits like those. Honey, those are puffball stuff in my department. Namedropping those books will not actually make you credible. How about reading John L'Carres' The Secret Pilgrim, or The Last Tycoons or Monster of Florence? I don;t know just any book that would not come from mainstream.

My years in advertising always told me that when people get to no-choice and spontaneous moments, they resort to top of mind. This is one instance. To be able to say something clever nalang, we just rely on our top of mind general information,

Pathetic. I am jologs at heart and never claimed that I am sophisticated. I am proud that my choices are quite mainstream. That's consistency. I don't know about you.

The next time I will be asked what my favorite movie is: i"ll probably say Lawrence of Arabia or Dr. Zhivago. Para eclectic din. hahahaha.

The show is over; go on and take a bow (lyrics from Rihanna).

Masa talaga.

 

What 2008 means to me

Not for anything but I’ve always wanted for 2008 to end sooner than possible. There are so many things that I dislike about 2008 and as these things slowly unfurl, I cannot help but hope for 2009 to come sooner. And as this year comes to a close, I can’t help but feel very excited that finally, we can all bid adieu to 2008.

For the Chinese, 2008 is not an auspicious year; precisely because the year of the rat meant living a life like that of a rat. Rats are known for a lifestyle that is far from auspicious and secure. I wont go into much detail anymore but you get the idea. And since I’m born under the Rooster sign, I am not too compatible with the rat sign. So therefore I am one of the hardest hit this year. 2009 is the year of the ox, and according to Yahoo! Those born under the Rooster have more coming for them.

For most part of the year, gloom and doom were the foremost headline. Big disasters that caused the death of many, the recent economic crash and the continuous bad politics are major headlines for the year. While these are things of national interest, this also trickles down to us after some time. Especially the whole economic crash and all, job security and financial happiness is in question.

In my personal life, I just feel that there are many things that could be better off.  I am not going to enumerate anymore but the headlines would be love, work and money. Somehow, though I declared 2008 as my official banner year, it just didn’t happen this year. I moved to Ayala Land earlier this year only to come back to McCann after three months. I had wanted to save only to get depleted around the same time. And well, let’s leave the love part alone as this may get a little controversial.

All in all, 2008 I feel was not what I had expected. I am left wanting for more to happen but it just isn’t happening. As things are bound to get rosier next year, I am keeping all that I can cross crossed so I can have all the best for next year.

Oh, one thing about 2008.  If there’s any good coming out of it, I surely learned a lot. Resilience is one thing I learned. I am now more resilient and patient as I go through my shopping. Now I think harder before spending and make sure that I am buying it because I need it and not because I just want it. I also learned to say no na to things and people. And I have learned that the best way to curb impulse is to stay focused and take time. Deep breathings also help so you don’t decide haphazardly.

So while 2008 maybe a challenge, I am also learning from it. What doesn’t kill you will only you make you stronger afterall.

 

Crazy Thing Called Love

Among the many other things said about love in the Bible, it probably forgot that love can also make you stupid. So many things in this lifetime that one cannot explain, and that includes the process of falling in and out of love.

Loving these days seem an elusive experience. We keep talking about it like it's a general truth. We keep on hypothesizing why we are not in love now, how we know when it's the right person and when it feels right to just give in. For the pa-smart, they put up so many defenses just to protect themselves from pain and inevitable heartbreak, but in the end they still go through that vicious cycle.

The thing with love, it's like a plague. No matter how you prepare against it or build up a wall to protect yourself from it, when it comes, it comes. And no amount of anything can stop you from falling.

The thing is, falling in love is such a wonderful feeling. I am just stating what I feel is true with me. I've learned in the past to fall in love, fall out of love. Told myself how this person is not right for me, or how love can wait. I rationalized that feeling. But the more I hold myself back, the more intense and longing I was.

Cut to the time when the bug bit me. In my mind, I knew that this person was not right for me. We have different views, we have different opinions, even feng shui would tell us that we shouldn't be together but this person struck me and I find myself in love.

The things I didn't do for others I did for this person. That was my ultimate test of how madly into it I was. I never bended backwards this much (not even to the last person I loved dearly). And I thought it would have a happy ending...

The thing is all that I do and all that I am seem to be never enough. Even for someone who never believed in doing things for the other person just because but eventually bending it just because seemed not enough. I am never enough. I wasn't good enough.

What was I to think? Im at a point, confused and seriously reconsidering it where I am just thinking of myself now. If it was never enough, maybe it will never be enough. If you never waited for anyone, what makes me think you will wait for me. If you said you have so many things to run after for, then that concludes I am not part of that. Then go on and just live your own selfish and antagonistic life. You will die unhappy. Let's see if you find meaning along the way.

I had lived a life like that and so I know how it feels. I felt like a man of the Earth, not needing anyone, not knowing anyone else, but life was just about achieving and working. But I realized how sad it was to live that life. 

So now I've come to slow down and start appreciating things that God has given me. While you run after your endless dreams and wait for no one. 

I have only one question for you when you get to the top:

WHO'S GOING TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE AND CONGRATULATE YOU FOR A JOB WELL DONE?

No one. No one will even know that you were there for you have no one to share it with and no one to witness that. What a sad life. Sure you're rich and all, but you're alone and lonely.

Come to think of it, you should be happy i am keeping you company.

crazy little thing called love.