Growing up, we're always told to be certain about matters. I was told several times that I could get wishy-washy when I don't focus on things. And that if I continue to be like this, I will probably end up in the dump (or something like that). After being told a million times or so, I finally understood the importance of being earnest.
In many aspects of my life, I TRY to be very certain and focused. I always start by identifying my intentions and my objectives for doing something. As an AE, too, I've developed this fear of the unplanned and uncontrolled. I want everything to be done as I planned it to be.
Knowing what you want probably is one of the best reasons to stay on Earth and accomplish what God has set for you. Thus, the purpose-driven life.
But what I realized lately is that this virtue can't be applied in all aspects of my life. There are things in my own life that I should just leave blurry and spontaneous. Love is one of them.
For many months now, I have been single. Though I don't hate being single, it's just that it's becoming like a wild-goose chase for me. I know who I like. In my mind, my dream partner is pretty clear, pretty mapped out. And that sets me up for failure.
You see, there's no such thing as an ideal person. Even I am not ideal. What makes me think that there are other people out there who's also ideal? But you don't doubt that that someone could exist. I believe in outerspace and the existence of God. I believe that air nourishes us and gives us life. And those things I have yet to see. That ideal person could exist too.
Being the eternally optimistic person that I am, I don't doubt. I just wait. And wait. And wait...
Waiting is Over
But last November, I discovered that that person exists. And it brightens up my day to know that I could get this chance to become close to this person. Though this person has strings attached to him, I didn't fear. Like a true blue AE, no war, no storm, no deadline will ever faze me. I will get what needs to be retrieved come hell or high water. And I did.
I didn't waste time to get to know the person. I used three important armors that I possess.
Wit: I engaged the person with stories I wouldn't even dare talk about. I asked. I answered back. I gave witty repartees. And questioned. At that time, I thought I was the most attractive person in the floor.
Charm: I smiled. I smiled. I smiled and flashed my pearly whites like it's all that matters. I know I'm quite cute when I smile. Well, at least my jaw won't look as big when I am not smiling.
Confidence: I just confidently asked for this person's number, not minding the people around me. I just did. I normally wouldn't do it, but I know I just had to do it. I thought to myself, "What have I got to lose anyway? Mine is everything to gain."
Quite obviously I know my ideal person has come. And that made me smile despite sleepless and drunken nights.
Knowing what you want is more scary
I thought everything could just go up from there. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how wrong it was. It was like pushing a sqare peg in a hole. It can be done, but you'll have to lose some sides. And the more I push it, the more hurt I get.
Being focused tells me that despite the circumstances, I should push on and assert myself. There were clear entrances in the situation, but no matter how clear they were, they were too farce. Little did I realize that the more I pushed, the more I'd get myself hurt.
And true enough, at one point, I had to realize that it's not working. I'm just beginning to feel a little pathetic, already. Not good for someone who maintained his composure in these things for a long time now.
You see, I just went for something I've always wanted and flopped. This entry is actually in connection to the blog "More Headaches than Fun". I realized that knowing what I want is more scary. Because in my mind I am certain as to what I want and that despite anything or any stumbling block, I will try my best to get it.
I lost track of the people around me. I ignored that there are other things that matter too. I was too focused on my goal that I lost track of my environment. Not good.
Sometimes, I really hate it when I become too certain. My tendency is to get too myopic and just concentrate.
Related to this, I have taken in a personal mantra 5 years ago that I will get what I want. I pride myself for being able to do this. I told myself, I want to work in advertising (despite my background) and I did. I told myself I'd work on a big account soon (and I did). That I'll become an Account Director at age 26 (and I did). There are other things that I was certain of that happened.
I likened those things with love. It didn't matter that the end goal was also another person, who'd have a rational mind and pre-existing conditions. What a stupid thing to gun for.
My love life is probably one of the more colorful things I can write about. I've loved once and lost it. I've been broken many times, too. It's a good source of depression, and optimism. It's tumult.
In the end, I only realize one thing: I shouldn't be afraid to love because it's a wonderful feeling to experience. But I should know my boundaries. I should know when to let go and when to take charge.
Knowing what I want is not bad. What's wrong with it is how you work way around it. I think I should just keep a steadfast love and everything else will follow.
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