Deleting Memories

 

While lying on bed this morning and deleting messages from my sent box on my phone, I remembered Gabbie Bagasao-Santiago all of a sudden. She was the one who introduced me to the words "deleting memories". And I couldn't help but agree with that concept as it is true. Deleting messages from sent box and inbox was a hard thing to do. Especially since I am not the type who cleans up their SMS daily, it takes me an awful lot of messages and time before I start deleting them. I have this constant fear that I might erase something important. Especially in this business where approval are done via SMS these days, every single message matters.

 

I am writing about this because something struck me this morning. Can we ever delete memories from our heads? Can we, even if we try our darnedest best, ever (forgive and) forget? Or is this just a statement to tell other people that we have simply moved on.

 

I think most of us, if not all, had a traumatic experience as child, or growing up. In my case, there were instances where I got hurt so badly I know I just want to forget about it. There were a lot: from school, relationships, decision-lapses, friends and family. And there are certainly moments too that which I just want to hold on to forever because they were just too special.

 

But what if we wake up one day and realized you have involuntarily deleted those memories? Will you be happy? Will you even care? Will you even remember that something was lost, if to begin with the stimuli are all gone.

 

I remember one of my favorite movies of all time  "ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND". Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey had sought the help of a specialist who could literally erase the ugly memories from your brain. Using the lobes and their purposes, I am assuming that the amygdala is being manipulated to remove the necessary history out of the brain. But that’s fiction, at the moment. And until we find that possibility we only have two options: to repress memory or keep trying to forget.

As Freud puts it, repression is the act of compartmentalizing thoughts in the subconscious mind where it is relatively inaccessible (as opposed to regular thoughts). So that bad when things occur to us, we either push them away hoping we could deal with it at a better time, hoping it will change, or just twisting some truth to be able to cope with it.

There are degrees of repression. And the level to which how deep it is buried also depends on how good we are at compartmentalizing thoughts.

Repressed memories do not disappear. They will eventually creep their way back into the conscious. To some that may appear as a “slip”. To others in forms of nightmares. To others it comes into another form, a medical condition wherein you have dysfunctional behavior and to some unexplainable anxiety.

Repression is subconscious. Suppression is the active/conscious decision to remove thoughts.

I remember, when I was younger I would always change how things were setup in my head so I could cope with reality. And this is an effective way to live in sanity.

And the others will just never do anything. But the best way to deal with this is really face reality and move on. Running away from memories will not help. Erasing memories is far more serious.

But come to think of it, why do we have to settle with ugly memories. There are plenty of opportunities to come up with beautiful memories. Our brains are setup not like phones and computers with limited capacity to store. Our brains are like mega hardwares that have no limits. We can take that opportunity to add more beautiful memories.

We can just replace them with versions that are fond to us. In this case, we don’t even have to delete memories. This is what they call counting your blessings.

I am counting. Are you?

 

 

 

the changes we go through.

Barack Obama certainly had a kick-ass team to have come up with this strategy to get a strong foothold in the recent US Elections. The word he used: Change. I am quite sure that you have already come across why he was proposed change. I will not elaborate on that. 

This inspired political leaders and political aspirants to copy this platform. Change became a strong political by-word overnight. Change became the magic charm of aspiring politicos.

Over here on our country, people have been declaring about the need for change ever since Gloria took power. Her rise to power was initially thought as a needed change from a morally corrupt leadership of Erap. Change happened - we liked it. Cory liked it. JDV liked it. And now both of them hate it. Change happened. Cory said sorry she ever took role in the changing of the guards during EDSA 2. We achieved change, but apparently it was not good enough for people who instigated those change. And now change is still something that is inevitable to us. 

But God-willing, there will be changes next year as we elect a new President. Change again. I am certain that at least one of the Presidentiables will use that campaign tagline. But my questions are:

1. Are we ever ready for change?
2. Is change the solution to all our problems now?
3. Is change real?
4. What will you change?
5. What is change?

Will we ever change?

I had some thoughts while doing the treadmill earlier. I thought change is an action-oriented word that requires you to alter some things in your life. Oxford defines it as a new or refreshingly different experience. Meaning there's got to be something different for it to be considered change.

But has there been anything refreshingly different so far?

CHANGE IS NOT ABSOLUTE.
Change is not meant for everyone. Some people are meant to change, to keep changing and some people will never change. On the other hand, some people need to change, some people need not change. 

Look at Madonna. She is the Queen of Re-invention. She has re-invented herself so many times we lose count already. From her "Like a Virgin" days to her recent "Hard Candy" look, she continues to provide that enigma that is truly hers. 

But Tina Turner, the Queen of Rock, never re-invented herself. And yet she still is Tina Turner even to the younger ones today. Could you just imagine if she changed to become a pop singer? Or a reggae-hiphop singer?

What about Beyonce? From Destiny's Child to just Beyonce and now Sasha Fierce, are those changes adding up to anything?

It's up for us to decide whether we should change or not. Is there a burning desire to change? Look inside you and find out. I know I want change. I am always up for new things.

CHANGE IS RELATIVE.
I never thought nor agreed that change is meant for everyone. Nor change should be prescriptive. What I need to change with me and what you ned to change are different no matter how similar they may be. 

Even the extent of things we need change is relative. It's not time-bound and it's not measureable. But it certainly is goal-oriented. We all need a direction to towards to but the path we take to get there are different. Believe me some people will want to wander around, smell the roses and even go shopping for a while before they get there. 

Even now, I still believe that to move people to change is probably the hardest task a leader will ever have to take.

CHANGE IS NOT ALWAYS GOOD.
When we talk of change, we always refer to it as a good change. I don't know but change is always seen as positive solution to our problems. But is it always good? Are changes really beneficial to all of us? Some change I know and as I've experienced are not good; they have repercussions to someone or something. Maybe that's the rule of Karma, of action-reaction. So how are we going to explain that change will be good for us?

Classic example: When we decide that we want to urbanize a rural area, something has always got to give. In this case the agriculture sector is the first to be marginalized. In the absence of a concrete plan it will cause harm to many of the rural dwellers and those who rely on agriculture to live.

CHANGE IS A PRIVILEGE.
Change is something that cannot be afforded by everyone. I believe that only those who have enough resources, will and passion to change can truly change. Those who are weak in spirit or have not enough access to resources will find it hard to really change.

Even in our daily lives, the way we think consider change is that we know what's best for people. We always dismiss that we know better as someone learned and more experienced. And we just let people know the changes. Only those who decide have access to decisions are privy to details. But the person who will receive the change is left with no choice.

CHANGE IS A GOOD RESPITE.
When we get too tired of our current condition and/or feeling embattled with all the stresses around us, there's only one thing we look forward to -change. We often tell ourselves when caught in this situation that things will change for the better sooner or later. Change gives us a good sense of hope that things will be better.

Change is like a happy pill we take when everything feels wrong. Change is something we all ask for when many things are not right. Change is the absolute solution we consider when there's none.

CHANGE CAN MOVE PEOPLE.
If we work towards the same goal and action plan, if we like what we hear and if we agree whole-heartedly, change can move people. Change is like a blue-print and manifesto we all live by. Change can become a common goal. And when that happens, expect people to move with you. 

If there's one thing I learned from experience, it's that change need not be rational; instead it's mostly emotional. In a society like ours where most of us have become skeptics. That or misinformed. And being a society sucker of emotional rub, I think change need be emotional at first. As in any other thing, if we are able to appeal to the kurot ng puso, we are guaranteed to effect change.

CHANGE SCARES PEOPLE.
Not knowing how exactly it will impact you, there's a legitimate reason to fear change. But more than that, some people are just plain adverse to change. We have heard the line "If it ain't broke, why fix it?". true.

But what's scaring people away from change is the fact that we're all afraid of change. We get very comfortable in our own skin that when change is impending we are quick to worry and fear. 

Change is something very stressful indeed. All the things we need to work on, anticipate, prepare and face are all very alarming and unsettling. There's just so many questions you want to ask when faced with change.

CHANGE IS A MARKETING GIMMICK.
Change is a marketing gimmick. We often see in tvcs that tell we need to upgrade our lives. That we need to do so many things to achieve a better life. And now we become so engrained in trying to achieve change and achieve the desired output.

Change is something that we pass on to people if only to give them hope. Furthermore, change has always been presented in a certain light that convinces you indeed to change. If you're a progressive person, if you are a practical mom who ensures only the best or is simply thirsting to become a better person, change is for you. Change. Change. Change.

But really, how much of change can it really change us? Haven't we had enough of proposed changes but nothing ever really happens. We succumb to change but to what end? Is change really taking us anywhere?

CHANGE IS OVERRATED.
Change, when presented to us, is the only solution. Not considering the other factors in life, change is like the pill that will solve our problems. But change is overrated. It hardly changes us. We need to passion and determination to effect change. We need to believe. We need to experience it ourselves. Change alone is never enough. It's just a blue-print. 

If we really desire effects in our lives, change is good, but we need determination. We really need to get involved and find ourselves moved by the common goal.

Change has been said in so many ways these days. Moral Reform. Societal Reformation. Re-invention. For change to really happen we need to work together. But how can we when the leaders themselves are distant to us, and not believeable to the proposed changes.

After having said all these, I know I need a change in my life now. The question now is how bad do i want it and if I am willing to sacrifice things. Will you support me in this change?

I am changing. Change for the good.

Ah, change.

the gym as a microcosm of today: a research proposal by moi

I'd like to propose to my community that gyms are fast becoming a complete microcosm of today's society. It's a good reflection of what people have become and continue to aspire these days. Though it may not be representative enough of the whole socio-economic class here in the country, it's a good reference to how human society have evolved. In this age and time where wellness has become a pivotal part of day to day existence, the whole lifestyle of going to the gym has also become a sub-culture. More important, going to the gym is fast becoming the night life that used to belong to bars and discos. Now, gyms have replaced other social venues and continues to evolve. For these very reasons, it has become a breeding ground of new species and the like. Please allow me to break the subculture down. I will try to get as comprehensive as possible. 1. Ang mga karerista They are not jocks, neither are they fast runners, but certainly these are people who make a career out of going to the gym. I do not blame them after they pay a hefty sum for the membership. What's interesting is the kind of "karir" they make inside the gym. if you see them lift weights, you'd think they hold no mercy to those weights and plates. All they see are black round objects they need to conquer and lift. They show no fatigue, just veins oozing with blood and adrenaline ready to squirt should a muscle fail. What's scary is their pawis and the way they drop their weights. Pawis because those sweat, man, come from the very bottom of their dermis. Those toxins and stuff, they might be lethal. And having said lethal, if they accidentally drop the plates on you, you might as well be dead than paralyzed. And did I mention, they like hoarding dumbells and weights. And they never return them. I just wish that they start cleaning after themselves especially after using machines. It gets really sweaty and icky most of the time. In life, they are the serious ones. They are those who make it in life because of their hardcore discipline and passion in what they do. They never let anything get them down. They have an agenda and they know how to achieve it. They are no nonsense. We need more of them in our society of mediocrity and haphazardness. 2. Ang mga fashionista I certainly am no fashionista (as my style is rather plain than boring) especially at the gym. I have never made an effort to come up with a full fashion gym attire. And for what? I am going to sweat on those anyway? But here they are girls and boys who give the adidas and Nike's of this world their payroll. They come in in matching outfit from top to bottom. They come in wearing the latest designs, strutting like Maria Sharapova or Daniela Hantuchova (yes, tennis skorts at the gym, wala namang tennis rackets and net?) in full battle regalia. And to top it all off, make up. Yes, full make up (foundation, eye shadow, powder and teased hair -for the lolas). At the gym. They seem the type who go to the gym to be seen by other people. They do little exercises here and there. They do some chatting here and there. But they put on lots of time thinking what to wear today to the gym. They're the fashionistas, the stylistas. I certainly hope that they offer more substance than form. In this age where we can easily change or alter some facts in our lives, there are really people who get ahead by doing nothing and just looking good - to the eyes of boss, officemates and everyone around. They are the type who can get away with being present at the right time and place, and just by doing little where it matters the most, they still reap results. But there will come a time when those substance (or the lack of it) will reek and deny you those perks. But until caught, expect them to sit pretty and be on cue. 3. Ang mga chisms I've noticed a lot of them in the gym. These are the people who go to the gym to get updated with the gym chismis. Who got caught in the steam, who's doing whom, who the instructor is screwing these days or worse, who didn't pay? They are the lowlife forms who wait for their amigas to arrive and get the chismis. They hardly break into a sweat. But they certainly won't sweat it to get the latest. I call them the typical Rural (and urban poor) Housewife. They are the types who wake up in the morning then listen to their neighbors argue. Those who lean on fences and chat with other housewives while washing clothes. Those who go to church and prayers meetings often with nothing but chismis as homily. Or those who are just stereotypical going around houses with mouth covered and standard opening "don't-tell-anyone-I-told-you". Yeah, it's part of the Filipino system and largely a national past time. We're all guilty. 4. Ang mga social climbers Instead of climbing the stairmaster, some people delight climbing the apex of society gatherings. Those who just want to mingle with the rich and be their angel. In any group you know who the queen bees are, and then you would also figure out who the climbers are. Overheard from three ladies talking at the lounge last weekend in Robinson's Place: Mom 1: Mare, do I look too dark? Mom 2: Huh? (Oblivious to the pronouncements) parang no naman. why? Mom 1: Well, I was just in Boracay last week. And guess where I stayed? Mom 3: Saan (very patronizingly)??? Mom 1: Discovery Shores!!!! Mahal duon! Mom2: Talaga? Sa Station One ba yan? Mom 3: Ay oo. Mahal duon. Naka stay nako dyan at grabe ang ganda-ganda. Mom 2: Ah. Di pako nakakapunta duon eh. Mom 1: Ah. Punta ka sayang naman. Ang ganda-ganda. Mom 3: Nakakatuwa naman. Dapat pala nagsabay-sabay tayo. O halika next weekend! Mom 1: Ay di nako pwede. Nilibre lang ako ng anak ko eh. Mom 2: Ako rin. Nasa US ako ulit. Mom 3: Ay ang saya naman! Sa US. Ako rin pupunta ng US. Mom 1: Ah talaga? Ako rin! Dadalawin ko anak ko dun. Mom 2: O eh di magkita kita tayo duon. Nasa new york lang ako. Mom 1: Lagi nako nandun. Kakapagod na. Hay baka wag nalang this year. Mom 3: O bakit naman? Mom 1: Wala naman, bibili nalang ako ng Gutchi. Mom 2: Marami nako nun. O sya. Work out nako. Mom 3: Gutchi? Ako rin meron nun. One of them is an aggressive social climber. One of them is likely to be genuine. And one of them is plain yes man. Terrible. 5. Ang mga magkakarne at nagpapakarne Strange how the gym has become the new pick up place, especially at the male locker room. The intentions are quite obvious. There are those who show their assets like they are retail items (kalakal) and there are those who prey for victims. Either way it has become a meat section where people could naturally hook up or pick up. Will not go into further details but I'm certain you know what I mean. There's this guy in ABS who goes in to the gym early and goes to the steam room straight. I happen to arrive the same time as he did once. I finished two classes, a break in between, free weights and another hour for cardio (on a good saturday). I return to the locker room steam area and guess who I saw? The same guy. His eyes blood shot red, looking very dishpan already and obviously had been exposed to steam too long. He never left the steam. He carries a supot with him. What's inside I really don't care. But that guy is some serous nutcase. He's looking for hada. And trust me, he hardly gets any. There are real life preys and predators. But what's interesting is that people have become more consenting to sex trade. Load for sex? Sex as matriculation fee? Sex for pure sex. Sex for fun. Sex for experience. Sex as one night stand. And Sex just for the thrill of it. There are those who look for it. Intentionally whetting people imagination and desire by scantily prancing about the wet area, or being too exhibitionistic inside. It's an ego-boost. It's a trip for many. And to some, it's just their way to get back to an ex. 6. Ang mga bully I got into a verbal tousle with mom the other day when I was telling a story of a lola from the gym. Inside the group x room, she almost always occupied this spot. Then one day she was late for class and the room was getting packed. So this unwitting lad took her "place" and positioned his mat there. When the lola arrived, she told the him (very condescendingly and assuringly) "PWESTO KO YA. DYAN AKO LAGI NAKAPWESTO. LUMIPAT KA!" Thinking that this old lady was ready to wage a fistfight, he moved out. But he reasoned out with her saying "If you were really here how come I didn't see you?" I guess he moved out of courtesy. Matanda na daw sya at dapat pagbigyan. SInce when was age ever an entitlement? Oh yeah, in this society, it's has always been a badge. In life there are those who will always assert themselves on you and throw their weight around on you. Those are unavoidable facts of life But what's important to remember is that we just need to be reasonable and be able to reason with. 7. Ang mga gangster There are singular bullies and there are plural and collective bullies, those who can bully because they are a lot. Almost always, they are the ones who dominate group x. They are the ones who always meet up after the work out to dine out. They are the type who'd make work out funny, annoying, intimidating or whatever. They are the cliques who you either want to avoid or join. They are just out there and better be careful. Like HS mentality, ang kaaway ng isa, kaaway ng lahat. They can easily gang up on you. Ang chismis sa kanila are facts of life. They mill around and make tambay like frat boys and soro sisters. 8. Ang mga panatico Expect them to be there, same time, same place, same-same basta same. They make the gym their sanctuary. A place to meet their friends, meet other friends, make kwento, make ligo, make ligaw, make display. etc. etc. They only have good words for the gym no mater how stinky it has become. They are those who live and swear by the essences of the gym. Just like those who are very into it kind of people. 9. Ang mga loner Quite the opposite of those mentioned above. Those who just pop in and pop out. Those who never make any difference, or worse yet they existed. In this microcosm, who would you rather be? I guess we are all defined really by our actions. And these actions become our character. For whatever it's worth, we should see gyms now as an ever evolving social institution too that has helped evolve and devolve the many aspects in our lives. Whether we the gym as a means to an end, or an end (lang), we need to know that we have to responsible. Respect other people and the life they choose to keep. Ang conclusion: This is not an in-depth study or comprehensive research, and therefore should not be taken seriously. Hehe. Goodnight. Antok na from my workout earlier. -__-

When Confusion Meets Confucius

There are days when i just don't get myself. Not anymore. I used to be my own advocate but as I grow older I get more confused and become more confused. I just find myself these day often in a labyrinth of thoughts and theories as I get more chances to think about things. I have always warned myself against idle time. That's precisely when I get to think more and when I think, I make sure I cover all sides. Not just both sides, sometimes, often even sides which I am not supposed to think about I also include and somehow manipulate the information to become part of the equation. And when that happens, I lose in touch with my goals and there I am again, in the brink of hard-faced decisions and not knowing what to do. Idle time is indeed the devil's handicraft. All these idle time are making me do more of thinking. (A disclaimer just in case my is reading this. I am not exactly idle in the office. That just means when I have extra time and alone time, I tend to analyze myself more. And as I age and go out much less, alas, the moments of pondering have become much more often.) Maybe because we get more profound as new age mumbo-jumbo sets in. As new age stuff set in and I learn more and more from the net and all those self-help stuff, we cannot help but examine ourselves with rose-colored lenses as to what we're doing wrong, or right. We learn from these mumbo-jumbo that in life there are "certain" things that we need to do when we get embattled. These conclusion and tips, devoid of any personal insights and introspection, they become Bible truths that we need to follow. They become by-words. Suddenly we find ourselves intellectualizing conversations with friends with these statements. The rub is exactly at its nose. Those are devoid of personal insights. My problem and your problem might be similar on gist but where they are coming from can never be exact. The fact that that's you and this is me is already proof that we are different. But our Church leader and some zen writers also tell us that experience is all about doing things and finding out what good or bad can one thing can bring us while the wise will never have go through those good or bad because they learn from other people. Can we truly just follow by example and words without really being in touch with personal insights? Can problems and confusion really be addressed by one-size-fits-all solutions because they had experienced it? Or maybe there's an overdose of information these days which we really don't need. It's true that when friends gather and talk about common stuff, you somehow generate an opinion and insights in ways you never thought possible. It's the sin of putting two and two together that eventually crystallizes into something watery. When friends talk sometimes you can't help but contribute somethings that may or may not be necessarily true. We fall in the trap of sharing our friend's similar situation or a personal experience. But the problem really is this: when faced with a situation whether you should patronize a friend or not, most of us tend to patronize a friend despite the consequences. As good friends, sometimes, we encourage our friends too much that even though they are wrong we tend to distort truth and indulge them a little because they're feeling bad. That's spot on though. I trust that most of us already know good judgment from bad. But what if the miniscule problem is the conduit? For example: a friend tells you how bad she's been treated by this person and that she regrets ever dealing with the person. She tells you blow by blow how she was mistreated and at the end tells you how much she hates the person. She looks at you. She knows you also hate that person. You are somehow obliged to give the same answer, or pacify her at the least. Whatever you say as long as it is not against her will only strengthen her anger. Before you know it, you've already added to her confusion. Or maybe because we become more in touch with reality. Since we were younger before and often times protected from all the harsh reality, are perception of life is straight out of the box, that if life presented itself in another way, we feel bad and betrayed. But life's like that. It will keep disappointing you. It will keep blowing your spirit. Sometimes at the end of the challenge, you just lose heart and sight of the goal. You end up feeling ridiculed. You want to quit, or just look at other things. Or just plain greedy? There are just days when you know you want it all. I know that feeling. Most of the time that's my biggest waterloo. I just don't want to miss out. I have an insatiable thirst and passion - I don't want to lose out. I have to admit that we can never have it all. But we also cannot seem to have enough. We just want more. And when we want more and so much more, with limited resources, that's where we get into the trap. Whatever it is that's causing my confusion at the moment, I clearly know the answer. I am a combination of all that I mentioned. I know in my heart that I am a person who want to become better by never ceasing to stop and being content. I want to learn and experience. I want to try things myself. I believe learning it yourself is a better teacher than reading. I also tend to listen too much. Or talk too much. I should learn to say enough is enough. Never be too personal and subjective especially when dealing with human emotions and experience. Never ever give out just because you feel you have to. I should also learn to prioritize. No amount of excitement and thrill should ever get to me when making decisions. Do I really believe all of those thoughts in my head? Am I really ever going to like it. At age 27, I have fallen into the trap of proving myself too soon. All the things that I am not was because I wanted to achieve something sooner than expected. My competitive self told me to never give up and continue to improve. But sometimes I have to slowdown and forget everything else. Focus on the now and not so much in the future. Learn to stop and slowdown. Life isn't a contest. That I know will solve my confusion at the moment. Just stay in the now and be happy. Long lunch for me tomorrow - Confucius would've adviced me that.