When Confusion Meets Confucius

There are days when i just don't get myself. Not anymore. I used to be my own advocate but as I grow older I get more confused and become more confused. I just find myself these day often in a labyrinth of thoughts and theories as I get more chances to think about things. I have always warned myself against idle time. That's precisely when I get to think more and when I think, I make sure I cover all sides. Not just both sides, sometimes, often even sides which I am not supposed to think about I also include and somehow manipulate the information to become part of the equation. And when that happens, I lose in touch with my goals and there I am again, in the brink of hard-faced decisions and not knowing what to do. Idle time is indeed the devil's handicraft. All these idle time are making me do more of thinking. (A disclaimer just in case my is reading this. I am not exactly idle in the office. That just means when I have extra time and alone time, I tend to analyze myself more. And as I age and go out much less, alas, the moments of pondering have become much more often.) Maybe because we get more profound as new age mumbo-jumbo sets in. As new age stuff set in and I learn more and more from the net and all those self-help stuff, we cannot help but examine ourselves with rose-colored lenses as to what we're doing wrong, or right. We learn from these mumbo-jumbo that in life there are "certain" things that we need to do when we get embattled. These conclusion and tips, devoid of any personal insights and introspection, they become Bible truths that we need to follow. They become by-words. Suddenly we find ourselves intellectualizing conversations with friends with these statements. The rub is exactly at its nose. Those are devoid of personal insights. My problem and your problem might be similar on gist but where they are coming from can never be exact. The fact that that's you and this is me is already proof that we are different. But our Church leader and some zen writers also tell us that experience is all about doing things and finding out what good or bad can one thing can bring us while the wise will never have go through those good or bad because they learn from other people. Can we truly just follow by example and words without really being in touch with personal insights? Can problems and confusion really be addressed by one-size-fits-all solutions because they had experienced it? Or maybe there's an overdose of information these days which we really don't need. It's true that when friends gather and talk about common stuff, you somehow generate an opinion and insights in ways you never thought possible. It's the sin of putting two and two together that eventually crystallizes into something watery. When friends talk sometimes you can't help but contribute somethings that may or may not be necessarily true. We fall in the trap of sharing our friend's similar situation or a personal experience. But the problem really is this: when faced with a situation whether you should patronize a friend or not, most of us tend to patronize a friend despite the consequences. As good friends, sometimes, we encourage our friends too much that even though they are wrong we tend to distort truth and indulge them a little because they're feeling bad. That's spot on though. I trust that most of us already know good judgment from bad. But what if the miniscule problem is the conduit? For example: a friend tells you how bad she's been treated by this person and that she regrets ever dealing with the person. She tells you blow by blow how she was mistreated and at the end tells you how much she hates the person. She looks at you. She knows you also hate that person. You are somehow obliged to give the same answer, or pacify her at the least. Whatever you say as long as it is not against her will only strengthen her anger. Before you know it, you've already added to her confusion. Or maybe because we become more in touch with reality. Since we were younger before and often times protected from all the harsh reality, are perception of life is straight out of the box, that if life presented itself in another way, we feel bad and betrayed. But life's like that. It will keep disappointing you. It will keep blowing your spirit. Sometimes at the end of the challenge, you just lose heart and sight of the goal. You end up feeling ridiculed. You want to quit, or just look at other things. Or just plain greedy? There are just days when you know you want it all. I know that feeling. Most of the time that's my biggest waterloo. I just don't want to miss out. I have an insatiable thirst and passion - I don't want to lose out. I have to admit that we can never have it all. But we also cannot seem to have enough. We just want more. And when we want more and so much more, with limited resources, that's where we get into the trap. Whatever it is that's causing my confusion at the moment, I clearly know the answer. I am a combination of all that I mentioned. I know in my heart that I am a person who want to become better by never ceasing to stop and being content. I want to learn and experience. I want to try things myself. I believe learning it yourself is a better teacher than reading. I also tend to listen too much. Or talk too much. I should learn to say enough is enough. Never be too personal and subjective especially when dealing with human emotions and experience. Never ever give out just because you feel you have to. I should also learn to prioritize. No amount of excitement and thrill should ever get to me when making decisions. Do I really believe all of those thoughts in my head? Am I really ever going to like it. At age 27, I have fallen into the trap of proving myself too soon. All the things that I am not was because I wanted to achieve something sooner than expected. My competitive self told me to never give up and continue to improve. But sometimes I have to slowdown and forget everything else. Focus on the now and not so much in the future. Learn to stop and slowdown. Life isn't a contest. That I know will solve my confusion at the moment. Just stay in the now and be happy. Long lunch for me tomorrow - Confucius would've adviced me that.