Boy Interrupted

I remember Regine Velasquez's break up song with Ariel Rivera "You Made Me Stronger". No, I'm not a fan of Regine. I just feel that that song means a lot and especially back then, after a painful breakup, that helped me get through. I'll try to write the lyrics that had the most impact on me. Pardon if I get the lyrics all mixed up, sometimes I tend to murder them, just like my friend Aya (hehe) -

Is it hard to believe I’m okay
After all, it’s been awhile
Since you walked away
I’m way past crying
Over you finding someone else
You turned my days into nights (days into nights)
But now I see the light
And this maybe a big surprise to you

But you’ve made me stronger
By breaking my heart
You ended my life
And made a better one start
You taught me everything
From falling in love
To letting go of a lie
Yes, you’ve made me stronger
Baby, by saying goodbye

If you try to believe I’m not over you
Go ahead
There’s nothing wrong with making believe
I know
Cuz I used to pretend you’d come back to me
But time has been such a friend
Brought me to my senses again
And I have you to thanked (I have you to thanked)
For setting me free (for setting me free)

Cuz you’ve made me stronger
By breaking my heart
You ended my life
And made a better one start
You taught me everything
From falling in love
To letting go of a lie
Yes, you’ve made me stronger
Baby, by saying goodbye

Think again
Don’t feel so sorry for me, my friend
Oh, don’t you know
I’m not the one at the losing end (I’m not the one)

Cuz you’ve made me stronger
By breaking my heart
You ended my life
And made a better one start
You taught me everything
From falling in love

PS: "Cuz" not mine.

Anyway, the lines in bold and underlined are the parts that had most impact on me. After that break up I thought I wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces and move on. But I learned that things happen for a reason and when you're the one breaking up with a person, then that means you have more reasons to try find sense and move on.

I used to think that I couldn't love seriously. For me loving was just an experience only a few people could find and it was quite lofty at that. Love for me then was very conceptual and elusive. Until this person came, I believed that love is just a switch you need to turn on. I finally knew how it feels to love, nevermind if i was never loved. But when everything is over, the hardest part is denial. How do you admit that things are finally over and that it's time to move on? Especially when something so special feels like a lie altogether? Though you try to deny it over and over again, lying to yourself will eventually take its toll and one day you realize, "Stupid of me to sulk. Time to move on!"

I moved on. Finally! Or so I thought.

I saw an old friend last Friday in Eastwood. And he gave me the most annoying news of 2007! He said it in such light-hearted fashion that I thought it was rather insulting than helpful. "Hey! Guess what? May balita ako sa'yo! Nag-di-deyt pala kayo ni (tutut) ngayon!", he casually jested. "Huh? Not anymore! What are you talking about and how'd you know?", said this masochistic me. "Well, my (tutut) and (tutut) are (tutut)! and so I know!" I just gasped in exasperation. WTF?

"And oh, another!", As if the other news wasn't bad enough. "Pero don't na blabber about it". (blabber about my own life, why will i do that?) "I saw (tutut) before and you know what, we almost had something together until (tutut) mentioned your name. Of course (tutut) didn't know that we know each other. (tutut) even said that mahal na niya ako and that even if I had someone else, (tutut) is willing daw to be my other half.", casually again. "You know, (tutut)'s such a player! We had a couple of drinks too and then we just stopped. Naawa ako sayo!" Frackers! "(tutut) naman said good things about you!", still very matter-of-factly.

That's like running thru a jagged sword in my heart ten times. I can't fault my friend. Afterall, if I say that I am so over that person then I guess that's just fine, yes? But what if all these months you realize you were just sidetracked and there has never been a closure and moving on? What if it all it takes was this person to say bad things and feel bad about it? What if moving on was not a way out?

Sometimes I pretended that someday this person will come back and tell me that it was wrong to break up. Pathetic as it sounds, everyone wants to feel vindicated especially in matters like this. But i think I shouldn't be faulted for feeling this way. First love is hard to die.

After a long time after that fateful day, I've met other people and have gone out again. Back then i know that this person is not worthy. A player, compulsive liar and user-friendly. And because of this realization, I've since then came up with a 5-way test when getting to know people.

However, now i realized that after all these years, i've used this person as my benchmark in evaluating relationships. Totally wrong.

I heard from my friend that this person feels a bit sorry for me for not treating me well and that despite all the care this person has for me, it never fluorished. As the end of this song says, "don't feel sorry for me because i am not the one on the losing end". Yes, till now, no one has taken this person seriously. At age 40, isn't this person supposed to be settled down already? Although this person has achieved successes in business and career, this person's personal life has so much yet to be desired. A 10 year relationship/lie gone bad, being cheated upon 3 times and being in constant chase of a relationship may not be a good sign of personality and conduct.

But why am I reacting this way if I have moved on already? Why am I so vehement in my denial? All of a sudden, I thought I have moved on a steady mindset already? I missed the times before, I missed the moments, but to be honest, I don't miss the person anymore.

For one moment, i got side tracked. For one moment, i got interrupted. Now, moving on.