The human mind will never really understand human behavior. For most of us, it's just so easy to judge other people and say out loud how you feel. But did we ever really think long and hard enough to understand the motivations of other people?
The past few days I've discovered something new about myself. I remember being called "magulo" or disorganized several times by my family. Having probably seen the many decisions, whether right, wrong, or wishy-washy, I've made in the past 26 years, it's easy for them to conclude that. But never did I articulate what's also going on in my mind as I made those decisions. For many a time now, I've consciously made decisions not according to cognitive experience and rational answers, but as to what feels right.
But arriving at a decision is never easy. Not for me. Not definitely on personal matters. I would be able to come up with better decisions probably when it comes with work-related matters. Whenever I am faced with making personal decisions, I go through a series of emotional highs and lows. More often than not, I flip-flop my mind, weigh my options, get excited and then lose steam in the same minute. It's like I don't know what I want for myself.
It's hard to focus. There are just days when you get distracted so easily and swayed so easily despite the two hours of nonstop mental psyching. It's hard to focus knowing that there are so many opportunities available and you don't want to lose out on any of them. At the end of it, you lose yourself in a series of irrelevant thoughts and muddled theories and forced realizations.
My problem: I am excitable.
I get excited easily and I lose it just as fast. I get swayed by my own thoughts. I lose myself and my firm stance when I get excited. I get impulsive and really incoherent when I get excited. My determination is at its peak when I am excited. But when I lose excitement, expect me to be out of it on the same minute.
I cannot keep this way. I've already done some mistakes and made unfortunate decisions by being excited. I've lost what could have been a nice opportunity for losing focus.
My solution: Prioritize
I've learned that I cannot stop myself from getting excited. That's inborn to me. No matter how I psyche myself and focus, this behavior will not change, not immediately at least. And because there are so many things I want to do with my life with so little time and resources, I need to learn how to prioritize. Understand that life will throw at me several opportunities, but learn not to take all of them. Just take what's good for me at this time, and what's ripe for picking. And learn to shun away the other things and concentrate, and be thankful with what I have at the moment.
Just recently, I've had another dilemma. CEBU PACIFIC SEAT SALE. The problem with zero fare that it sounds more tempting that it really is. Zero Fare does sound very inviting. Imagine being able to travel without paying for your trip!? Now, that's what you think.
Cut to four months ago: I decided that because of rising gas prices, inflation and several other unachieved dreams, I need to save money for now and delay personal gratification, aside from shopping. Meaning: no expensive purchases anymore after this macbook. I will need to delay most of it.
Then came the sale. I booked hastily forgetting what I vowed. Two months after came the credit card bill, which I paid in full. It wasn't expensive. For a trip to HK, at Zero Fare, I was only charged less than five thousand. It's quite a steal, eh? Now the planning part.
This is the part where it hurts. I started computing for the potential expenses: first on the list were subsistence expenses: hotel, food, transportation; next was the mandatory surcharges like airport taxes, exit payments, re-entry payments, visas; and then finally the leisure expenses: shopping and lifestyle.
It would have been a complete failure if I go on that trip and not enjoy, nor spend. I would look kawawa if I just window-shopped. I know I would end up panic buying anyway. I could afford it. I've saved enough money for that. No problem. I was sooo ready for the trip, even if I was going to travel alone.
Cut to 48 hours ago. I realized two things:
1. At times like now where we have to do our part to save up and spend a little, how can I blow dough just like that? Is it really going to be worth it? I am travelling alone. I am not necessarily in need of anything now. I've got and bought good stuff here already, the trip was just a bonus.
Somehow it just doesn't make sense anymore. While I know that this is self-entitlement, but there are many other opportunities to do this. I am blowing some 20grand on mandatory expenses alone. And then the subsistence pa, which I have to all pay on my own. Somehow there is something wrong in this scenario.
I could very well afford to pay for a brand new chronos watch with that amount I am spending sans shopping. Maybe it's nice to hear but i decided it's not worth it.
I may have saved like 8K for the ticket, but I will be losing some 80k in other expenses that are not as paramount to me at the moment.
Prioritize: This is not the last time I'd get to travel. Come December me and my bestest friends are going to Singapore. I don't need to do it now.
2. Mom has not been feeling well the past few days. She's been going to the hospital for a battery of consultations and treatments. She is undergoing therapy too for her back injury. Needless to say she's not in her best elements these days.
How can I go gallivant somewhere else when I know that someone here whom I love dearly is not feeling well? How can I?
Prioritize: delay the trip. When I was sick before, she took plenty of painstaking time caring for me. It's time I delay gratification and care for her now. Now, especially that she needs encouragement the most.
Needless to say, this Hong Kong trip is cancelled. It's true that i didn't devote too much time on planning what to do there, and how to get by. Maybe that's a sign telling me as well that there's nothing much out there. But I do know that I have other obligations here that need to be done.
Hong Kong will be there forever. And i will be able to go there soon, or who knows even farther.
I am not sad that I am missing this trip. I am happy that I am doing the right thing and learning more in life.
Until my next roller coaster trip... :)
PS:I composed this message while waiting outside the therapy room of St. Lukes.
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